I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
