a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
