Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
