Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
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