what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
