dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am puke
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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