so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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