Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
