my mouth tastes like poor choices
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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