I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
