i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
