dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
