i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
