The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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