Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
