I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I supernannyed him into submission
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
