Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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