Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
