Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
