alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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