Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
