PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
