guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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