oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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