If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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