I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
