sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
