Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
