If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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