that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
