So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
