I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
