Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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