Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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