Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
