I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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