ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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