apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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