Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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