You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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