wat bout pragnant strippers??
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
