Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
