I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
