Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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