i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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