I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
