Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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