She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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