Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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