Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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