My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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