a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So much rum. So many feels.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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