I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
