We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
