he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
