i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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