I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
