I am spending my child support on dildos
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
