This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
