Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
