John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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