Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
