we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Text me some of your sweat
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