every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
