I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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