Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
