I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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